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Sleep Training Can Break Your Baby’s Trust in You
As a parent, you probably want your baby to grow knowing that they can trust you. You probably want them to know that you will always be there for them and that they can come to you with any problems that they have. How does sleep training show them this? How does sleep training aid their trust in you? Quite the reverse is true. Their cries at night may be exhausting and inconvenient, but they are crying for a reason – they need you. If you do not respond to their cries with the reassurance and actions that they need (and not just a pat or a sshh) then there is a large possibility that you are undermining their trust in you. If they don’t trust that you can help with their problems when they are tiny, how do they know they can trust you with their problems as they get older?
In addition, most babies will experience an entirely normal stage known as Separation Anxiety. This stage is actually a very good sign psychologically, even though it may not feel like it when you baby is instantly upset the minute you put them down. What babies need when in this stage is constant reassurance that they are OK. That you will come back. That you won’t leave them. This is a vital stage for a baby to be able to trust you. If they don’t (because you are not meeting their needs through sleep training) then you are likely to suffer the effects at a later stage.
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Sleep Training Ignores Real Problems
While interrupted sleep is the norm for all babies, there are some cases where sleep isn’t normal. These cases are often missed with conventional sleep training. Which could create larger problems further down the line.
First there are potential physical reasons: tongue tie, cows milk protein allergy, lactose intolerance, food sensitivities, reflux, disrupted gut flora, cranial compression and birth injuries and sleep apnea.
Then there are potential environmental reasons: too much artificial light, room temperature too high, insufficient bedding, incorrect timings and the like. Lastly there are potential psychological reasons: the need for more connection (particularly with a mother who works), the need for reassurance during separation anxiety and developmental leaps and stages. Sleep training misses all of these.
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Sleep Training Misunderstands the Development of Independence
Many parents are scared into sleep training due to concerns over creating clingy children who will never become independent. This is another gross misunderstanding of much of society. You cannot force a child to be independent. The only way you can raise an independent child is to allow them to be dependent on you for as long as they need. When they feel secure enough they will slowly begin to branch out into the world alone. If you force them to detach from you before they are ready you will actually make them less independent and more anxious. You cannot hold your baby too much. Ever.
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Sleep Training is Exhausting and Horrible to Do
I have not met a single parent, who has sleep trained, who has said “it was OK, it was fine”. Every single one of them comments on how hard it was and how distressing it was to see their child crying and not meet their needs. You have parental instincts for a reason. Listen to them. There is a reason that most traditional baby sleep training experts don’t have children themselves. Surely if they knew how it felt to have your heart torn in two then they wouldn’t advocate it?
Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a well known parenting expert and a highly regarded popular parenting author who specialises in the psychology and science of parenting, ‘gentle parenting’ and attachment theory. Sarah is famed for her gentle, science rich, yet easy to read books such as The Gentle Sleep Book, available on Amazon. You can find her on her website, and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.
