Is time-out a useful relationship skill? How will a child put time-out into practice when playing with friends, or in future adult relationships? Do they learn that when you don’t like what someone else does, one way to deal with it is to exclude that person? Conceivably, children subjected to time-out may learn to bully by excluding their peers or siblings. A recent study with teenagers has uncovered social exclusion as being more damaging to a young person’s mental health, than other bullying behaviour such as teasing or spreading rumours.
Time-out does not seek to understand the reason for the behaviour
When we use time-out to punish a child for misbehaving, we forget to look for the unmet need that led to the behaviour. They may have been bullied at school, or they may simply be tired and hungry. Their parents may have argued this morning, or they may be very worried about their sick grandparent.
When we put a child straight into time-out, have we then lost an opportunity to understand and connect with our child?
Time-out and divorce, separation and trauma
Consider the potential effect of time-out on children: whose parents have separated or are separating; who have been adopted or fostered; who have separation anxiety; or are affected by trauma. Time-out with these children may exacerbate feelings of abandonment, rejection or confusion.
These children need connection, not isolation. They need to have their underlying issues understood. They need to be held in a safe space (physically and emotionally), in relationship, to help heal the hurt.
Alternatives to punitive time-out include:
- Replacing the use of rewards and punishment with positive relationship skills, including no-lose conflict resolution. Peaceful parenting courses such as Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) teach how to avoid using rewards and punishment; to communicate respectfully with children; and help children build an inner discipline.
- Active Listening (emotion coaching) when your children are unhappy or agitated, to help calm them down. Recognising what they are feeling is an essential step in children learning to self-regulate. Active Listening helps you comfort and connect with your child, and you can then help them reflect on their emotions.
- ‘Time-away’; ‘Cosy Corner’; ‘Calm Down Space’. Have a special place for your child to regroup and calm down. Let her or him listen to music, play, draw, or read – similar to the way we, as adults, calm ourselves. Your child can then return when feeling better about the situation and ready to reconnect to the relationship – in the child’s own time. This also helps them learn the skills of self-regulation.
- ‘Time-in’ – being with and enjoying the company of children, giving them love and attention, remembering what you like about them, and letting them know. Delight in the little person who is in your care.
This blog was condensed from the extended article, The Trouble with Time Out.
References:
Gordon, T, 1989. Teaching Children Self Discipline: At Home and at School. 1st ed. America: Random House.
Daniel J Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson. 2014. Time-outs Are Hurting Your Child. [ONLINE] Available at: http://time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/. [Accessed 27 April 15].
Williams, Kipling (2007). Ostracism. Annual Review of Psychology.
Larissa Dann is a parent and accredited parent educator. When she attended a peaceful parenting course twenty-plus years ago, her life (and that of her baby) turned around. Since then, she’s taught skills of gentle, peaceful, conscious parenting to thousands of parents, while attempting to put them into practice with her own children. She is a writer, blogger, and community worker who enjoys bushwalking, nature photography, and treasuring the relationship she has with her adult children. You can read more of her work at Parent Skills, and find further peaceful parenting resources on her Facebook page.
